a couple years ago i assembled an étui.

[20231018]

i wanted a small kit of work essentials to keep and carry on my person.

it just so happened the mini-rug i hand knotted worked well as a pin cushion and fit nicely inside a tin i had on hand, into which i also included:

+ felted magnet needle-keeper

+ beeswax

+ leather thimbles

+ needle threader

+ bobbin of foundation thread

+ weavers comb

[20231018]

since making and using this étui a couple years ago, things have changed a bit.

i no longer use the weaving comb that i did, and i’ve felt pretty sore about it.

after spinning and feeling frustrated and unsupported at work, i ultimately decided to surrender my comb rather than bear the burden of using a tool provided by a workplace that might not support me in retrieving it if it were taken without my consent, and i was unsure whether more would be taken in similar fashion.

so, rather than wait for that to happen again, i decided of my own volition to give the comb back.

by the time i changed my mind to keep it anyway, it was gone.

i really liked that weaving comb. it was a real nice tool shape, and i was fond of how i came by it. but i wanted to reduce my reliance on the tools provided and use my own. i wanted to increase areas where i could exercise my agency and advocate for myself.

i have come to realize since how unprepared for and unaware i was of the emotional consequences of giving up this object and what it symbolized, for me.

the feelings of loss, the grief.

and, i unravelled.

whether i liked it or not, i had to live with the consequences of my decision. and, at first, i did not like it. and i did not like myself.

at the same time all of this was happening, i was really struggling with me. my self worth had been run raggedy – threadbare, in the gutter. i did not have esteem of my muthafuckin’ self.

this has been a tough one for me to get through.

i don’t know where i’m at with unwrapping this experience – have i uncovered a corner, or am i still trying to get the tape off?

i do know that over time i have felt differently.

i can vividly remember the initial regret and painful feelings of self-hatred and resentment for giving up and giving in to an unhealthy environment. the betrayal, the self-sabotage. no one made me do what i did in giving my comb back – that was all me! i hated that.

also since then, i can appreciate the consideration and effort i put into having conversations with my coworkers and workplace and communicating what i was observing, my feelings and needs, and requesting that my personal space be respected.

i’m slowing down. giving myself time to think, and consider more sides of a thing before making decisions.

i am understanding and working to accept and let things go...

and, life does indeed go on.

[20241204]

i really enjoy using my étui, and things are a little more worn-in now which i really like.

i’ve mended my thimble a couple times, most recently with some moleskin and superglue. i think the moleskin could use a refresh, otherwise still works well.

a small butterfly of lightweight wool warp replaced the chipboard bobbin and i now also carry small sharps – sizes 9 and 10 – beneath the rug-cushion.

and, after some time and some treasure hunting, i found a comb that i’ve been working with for the last year and change. i call my comb Valentina, and she is lovely.

[20241204]

this work thing has been a working thing and i’m glad it is starting to see some “daylight” so to speak. i don’t want to carry this stuff around suppressed. yuck.

processing is the practice, and practice makes progress...!

(p.s. – so happy to have these photos! keep going!)

étui, brute?