étui, brute?

a couple years ago i assembled an étui.

[20231018]

i wanted a small kit of work essentials to keep and carry on my person.

it just so happened the mini-rug i hand knotted worked well as a pin cushion and fit nicely inside a tin i had on hand, into which i also included:

+ felted magnet needle-keeper

+ beeswax

+ leather thimbles

+ needle threader

+ bobbin of foundation thread

+ weavers comb

[20231018]

since making and using this étui a couple years ago, things have changed a bit.

i no longer use the weaving comb that i did, and i’ve felt pretty sore about it.

after spinning and feeling frustrated and unsupported at work, i ultimately decided to surrender my comb rather than bear the burden of using a tool provided by a workplace that might not support me in retrieving it if it were taken without my consent, and i was unsure whether more would be taken in similar fashion.

so, rather than wait for that to happen again, i decided of my own volition to give the comb back.

by the time i changed my mind to keep it anyway, it was gone.

i really liked that weaving comb. it was a real nice tool shape, and i was fond of how i came by it. but i wanted to reduce my reliance on the tools provided and use my own. i wanted to increase areas where i could exercise my agency and advocate for myself.

i have come to realize since how unprepared for and unaware i was of the emotional consequences of giving up this object and what it symbolized, for me.

the feelings of loss, the grief.

and, i unravelled.

whether i liked it or not, i had to live with the consequences of my decision. and, at first, i did not like it. and i did not like myself.

at the same time all of this was happening, i was really struggling with me. my self worth had been run raggedy – threadbare, in the gutter. i did not have esteem of my muthafuckin’ self.

this has been a tough one for me to get through.

i don’t know where i’m at with unwrapping this experience – have i uncovered a corner, or am i still trying to get the tape off?

i do know that over time i have felt differently.

i can vividly remember the initial regret and painful feelings of self-hatred and resentment for giving up and giving in to an unhealthy environment. the betrayal, the self-sabotage. no one made me do what i did in giving my comb back – that was all me! i hated that.

also since then, i can appreciate the consideration and effort i put into having conversations with my coworkers and workplace and communicating what i was observing, my feelings and needs, and requesting that my personal space be respected.

i’m slowing down. giving myself time to think, and consider more sides of a thing before making decisions.

i am understanding and working to accept and let things go...

and, life does indeed go on.

[20241204]

i really enjoy using my étui, and things are a little more worn-in now which i really like.

i’ve mended my thimble a couple times, most recently with some moleskin and superglue. i think the moleskin could use a refresh, otherwise still works well.

a small butterfly of lightweight wool warp replaced the chipboard bobbin and i now also carry small sharps – sizes 9 and 10 – beneath the rug-cushion.

and, after some time and some treasure hunting, i found a comb that i’ve been working with for the last year and change. i call my comb Valentina, and she is lovely.

[20241204]

this work thing has been a working thing and i’m glad it is starting to see some “daylight” so to speak. i don’t want to carry this stuff around suppressed. yuck.

processing is the practice, and practice makes progress...!

(p.s. – so happy to have these photos! keep going!)

spinning

over under through

spinning out

z-twist

s-twist

the lot

i’ve spun away from the plot

i’m having a hard time with life, right now. i feel uncomfortable keeping that in and struggling through it alone. i think we are all having a hard time with life right now. just looking out and seeing what’s going on – doesn’t it seem like?

or, is it the same as it ever was only i’m understanding things in a different context than before?

i don’t know – and i’m feeling really scared by the uncertainty.

i am having a hard time grounding myself. feeling my feet planted anywhere and like i’m able to take things in stride.

i’ve gotten knocked back onto my heels after having my space violated at work – someone went through my things and took some of my tools. one was a pair of cuticle scissors that i use to trim down re-knots. i really liked that pair of scissors and i’d been given them new and nice and i felt distressed having had them taken and not knowing the circumstances of this things happening. then, someone also took some of my toothpicks real messily. i felt violated – my boundaries had been crossed.

i got to a point where i needed to express my distress to my coworkers and share that i did not appreciate someone going through my things and that i am ok with sharing and that i’d prefer people ask to use or borrow my things instead of taking them when i’m not there. seemed reasonable, but i ruffled some feathers - made some people uncomfortable - and quickly got shut down by the brass. “you’re not allowed to do that,” they said, without spelling out what “that” which i am not allowed to do is.

i think i got it, though.

that was all around the holidays that this happened.

i felt really upset and disoriented during that time. i really enjoy what i’m doing for work, right now. i’m just not that fond of the environment in which i’m doing it...

“location, location, location” as it’s said. seriously though, set and setting really matter for me. in this setting i’m consistently encountering immature behavior. in this environment (+ pandemic and other dis-regulating events) i am feeling myself work extra hard to keep my head above water where emotional maturity is involved. there are many things at this workplace that trigger me. things that i struggle to find new dance moves for...